Feedback Fails: Why Your Approach is Making Things Worse (Or Certainly Not Better)
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I want to take you back to a time in my career when things were really tough - probably one of the most challenging years I had. I was pushing hard, and I was being pushed even harder.
That year had many turning points for me, but there’s one specific moment I want to share with you today. It happened during a 1:1 conversation with one of my direct reports - a leader of a large team. She looked at me and said something I will never forget: "Klaudyna, I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like nothing has been good enough lately."
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had been doing to her exactly what I was experiencing myself. I had become the source of that same feeling of inadequacy that I had felt before. And it struck me hard. She was always excellent at giving feedback, and I trusted her to keep it real with me. I respected her perspective, and she knew I would listen. And here she was, feeling defeated - because of me. I was stunned. I didn’t see it until she said those words. And what hit me the hardest was how right she was. I immediately felt a huge wave of regret. I was deeply disappointed in myself. How could I have done this to her? Especially during such an important year for her, when I knew firsthand how discouraging it could be to feel like that. I had been there myself. And now I was on the other side of it.
Although it happened a long time ago, that moment has stayed with me. It’s something I will never forget. I’m forever thankful she said those words to me because it made me take a hard look at myself. It also completely changed how I approach feedback - not just as a giver, but as a receiver. It was one of the toughest pieces of feedback I’ve ever received, because it was so true, and it came from someone I deeply cared about and invested in.
But here’s the most powerful part. As hard as it was to hear, it was also the best kind of feedback, because she also said - and I knew it in that moment too - that the most important thing was that we had built the kind of relationship and environment where she could tell me. That’s leadership. And second, she knew I wouldn’t just listen - I would act. And she was right. I corrected my approach immediately, and I have never made that mistake again.
Feedback isn’t just about giving people direction - it’s about creating an environment where people feel they can trust you, where they feel seen, heard, and supported.
So, let’s talk about feedback - specifically, how we give it. Not all feedback is created equal. While feedback can be transformative, it can also be demotivating if it's not done with care. I’ve had my fair share of feedback throughout my career, and there’s a key lesson I want to share with you: Not everyone has the right to give feedback.
Think about that for a moment. There are people who, because of their position or approach, simply aren’t equipped to give constructive feedback that is productive and helpful. It’s one thing to offer feedback as an expert, with the intention of guiding and improving; it’s another thing entirely to do so out of frustration or ego. And I think we all know how damaging the latter can be.
Here are some things to keep in mind when it comes to feedback:
